I’ve been blessed to say that I’ve never had a huge issue with making friends. Striking up a conversation has never been a weak point for me, though sometimes I’m very reluctant to do it. Because of my reluctance, I tend to lean more on the friendships I’ve already developed and that intersection is where my problem lies: majority of my friends are either single or in non-committed relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls. I’ve known some of my girls for over ten years and I’ve known some for a little over two years. I’ve been in trenches of broken hearts, wasted “talking stages,” drunken nights, late-night lurking sessions, “roster revisions,” and all with them. Some of my best memories come from being out with them, drinking, and just truly enjoying my time with them. This is where the crossroads begin.
It gets lonely when they decide to link up and go get drinks and the reason I didn’t get an invite was because they “knew I probably had something going” or they figured my husband would tell me no. They feel my priorities have shifted—and they’re not totally wrong—so they feel like there’s no reason to even offer. I do not envy my single friends, I simply miss my friends. I try to compromise with my friends who are in relationships and even that goes south sometimes! We go from a double date to sitting across the table enduring the awkward “So when are you going to stop playing and give me a ring?” conversation. Or, the even more dreaded drowning of “Y’all are my relationship goals!” compliments.
Igniting new friendships isn’t the hard part; finding people worth forming that bond with is the difficult part. I always vent to my husband how I wish I had friends who were married or, at least, took their relationships seriously. I’d love to be able to kick it with other women who understand my limitations without imposing their own limitations on me. I’d love to not be someone’s “relationship goals” or “married friend.” I’d love to exist as Aaliyah.
For some odd reason, people think once you get married, all the fun ends. I just want to know WHO LIED TO Y’ALL!? I’m allowed to drink, y’all! I’m allowed to brunch and have a girls’ day out too. I’m not shackled to my husband nor does he expect me to bring him everywhere. I think my friends forget that I’m an entire individual who just happens to be married to another individual.
I think for some people, they get lost in their relationships. Their identity becomes who they’re tied to and sadly, my friends have (unknowingly maybe?) attached that crisis to me with no evidence of that being the case. I’ve tried my best to not let this unwanted title get to me but the constant longing of woman companionship and seeing how scarce it is in my own life makes it difficult to shake. While I love spending time with my husband, nothing beats a good outing with your girl(s) and just decompressing.
Ladies, please take note. Your married friend(s) are not under lock and key with their spouses, okay? We still like going out. The problem arises when you want us to participate in things that can possibly disrespect our partners. Please understand, I might not be able to go out and twerk with you until 3am but I FASHO can do a spa day with you and spend all of that day with you.
I can do wine downs, sleepovers (look, sleepovers are not only for children and you cannot and will not tell me differently!) brunch, all of that! If you don’t know if we can, simply ask. Stop putting us on the back shelf because of your own assumptions about how our relationships work. We miss y’all mane!
Woman companionship is so essential. Here is an article that can help you understand how important it is if you don’t believe me! Being a Black woman, having these friendships with other Black women helps me beyond measures. The struggles of my everyday life can truly be felt on a level far deeper than any other regular, degular friendship. It’s about building your village and right now, my village is sadly looking more like a hamlet.
Communication is so important, as well as understanding. Talk to your girl(s), understand their needs, and provide what you can from there. No one likes to feel left out or alone. At the end of the day, your married friends are still WOMEN. We want to have fun too. We’re not invisible nor did we swear our lives to our lives away to only exist in the presence of our partners. Call all your girls and get together because it is LONG overdue! (Please social distance though.. we are still in a pandemic!)